Tom grew up in Foster Care as part of the Banya family. Today he tells us his story.
Tom was born to parents who unfortunately were unable to care for him as they were both alcoholics. When drunk his father became abusive towards his mother. There were times when his mum was so hung over or drunk that she was unable to get up to prepare food, and Tom would resort to eating toothpaste. This was the sort of life that he was experiencing during his early years.
Tom still considers himself to be one of the more fortunate children from abusive families as there are many children out there who suffer the abuse targeted at them directly, be it physical, emotional or sexual. But, it’s an environment that everyone will agree, no child should have to grow up in and was very traumatic for the young Tom.
Tom lived with his birth parents until he was 7 years old. Until that point social workers had often visited the house trying to help the family and keep them as a unit. But as the abuse continued, it became obvious that this was just not going to be possible.
One night Tom was taken from his family. The police broke down the door and he was driven away by the social workers and taken to who he remembers as being “a very nice lady”. So began the first night, one of the most critical nights of any child entering into the care system. Tom was terrified, he didn’t know what was happening & didn’t know who these people were. But he had to trust his social worker who he had got to know over the many home visits. One of his overriding memories is that she bought him a pack of football cards, which he was collecting at the time. To this day Tom still keeps the completed book of those cards as a memory of the start of his foster care journey.
After the first couple of nights in the emergency foster placement, Tom was moved to another placement, which was still only short term. This family had two other foster children and though they were extremely welcoming and able to understand Tom’s situation, it was still very confusing and scary for the young boy. Here he stayed for 2 months
During this time the one place that Tom did feel safe was at school – it was the one and only thing that was consistent in his life.
After 2 months, Tom’s Aunty and Uncle collected him and it was explained that he was going to live with them. Tom was elated, overjoyed – these were people that he loved, knew and trusted. He was able to continue to visit his parents who reassured him that it had all been a mistake, they had done nothing wrong and everything would be resolved. As a child, of course he believed them. Why wouldn’t he – he was a kid and they were his parents?
After nearly 2 years of living with his Aunt, Tom’s social worker took him to meet a lovely couple called Lesley and Mark. They chatted, got to know each other and he recalls they took him for KFC! Eventually after a couple of weeks of meetings, Tom was moved to live with Lesley and Mark, his new foster parents and part of the Banya family. His new home was outside of London so along came another big wrench. It involved leaving behind his school, all his friends and the area with which he was familiar.
The date is imprinted on his memory – 25th November 2007 – and he was 9 years old.
Even though he was now slightly older Tom still didn’t really understand what was going on. But his Banya foster parents had been well trained. The first thing that Mark did was to sit down with him, with his file which was the size of a telephone directory. Together they went through it page by page and Mark explained all the reasons for why Tom was with them – his own history, his parents history, why he was in care – everything.
It was a highly emotional experience. Hearing the truth laid out was very unsettling – discovering that the people that you trusted and loved are the reason you have been taken away is very disturbing. For the first few weeks while everything was so new Tom behaved and was the perfect foster placement. But then he started acting up and he himself admits his behaviour became quite challenging. Now, he understands that this was not necessarily a bad sign. It meant that he felt sufficiently cared for and supported to let these emotions out. Mark and Lesley knew this. They spent many, many nights for hours and hours talking and helping Tom to undersand why he was feeling the way he was and discussing how he could demonstrate his emotions in a more constructive way.
There were many times during those first couple of years that Banya’s social workers were involved helping Lesley and Mark through this difficult period & helping them to provide Tom with the support and guidance he needed to rebuild his life.
By the time Tom was 14 – 15 years old things began to get easier. He was beginning to mature and realised that despite his best efforts his parents were not going to get better, This was a milestone in his development. He stopped focusing on his parents and a desire to help them and started to focus on himself.
Now 24, Tom still lives with Mark and Lesley and refers to them as mum and dad because this is what they have become. They have looked out for him, helped him and supported him the entire way. He loves them dearly.
Tom is giving back and working with Banya, the extended family that raised him. He is helping to recruit foster carers, who will be able to help children like himself. He loves Banya for what they have helped him achieve.
Tom is now a well-rounded individual with no hang ups from his tumultuous start in life. He is honest and open about his past and keen to share his experience to help others. His admiration and depth of feeling for Banya is obvious. He is not shy about declaring that they have gone above and beyond to make sure that at every step of the process he knew he was loved and cared for. And they are still doing that now. They made a difference to him as a child, and they are making a difference to his life as a working adult. He finishes by describing how very grateful he is from the bottom of his heart for everything that Banya has done for him.
Thank you Tom for sharing your very moving story.
